Greetings from Bali!
Lately I’ve had a desire to physically lighten up after my time in Australia, where I ate lots of meat pies and Tim-Tams and drank lots of beer.
Instead of practicing what I preach—thanking my body for accommodating all the fun I’ve had over the past few months, remembering that I am beautiful and complete exactly as I am, and trusting my natural hunger cues—I began to track food in my mind, thinking back at the end of the day if I “did well.” I also began to compare my body to other women’s, wondering where I fit on the “thinness spectrum.” I even started to count calories again after years of ignoring them completely.
I realized the severity of my descent into old habits when I showed up late to a meeting because I was checking the calories in a coconut!
There’s something special about Bali... It’s almost as if the island itself helps to illuminate whatever shadows may be lurking in the corner of the psyche, within an atmosphere of love and celebration of life.
It felt like the magic of Bali was showing me that there is still healing to do, that a deeper layer of me still didn’t fully trust my body. A part of me didn’t believe that if I listened to my own hunger cues, ate slowly and intuitively, and offered myself kindness as I am now, that my body would lighten up naturally.
Instead, I came face to face with my mind’s desire to control, fix, and tame myself. To improve myself through force instead of allowing nature to play out the way it does. A part of me resisted softening, letting love lead the way.
Even though there’s scientific documentation on the ineffectiveness of dieting and restriction, these methods can still be such alluring options. This happens when we don’t fully trust that our bodies know best. And it’s not our fault:
“Society teaches us to mistrust ourselves. Society tells us that we’ve got to diet to lose weight. Society warns us to be afraid of ourselves. This is new territory, you’ve got to be willing to be a trailblazer. You’ve got to want to trust yourself more than you want to be thin. Because there are no guarantees. This isn’t a diet; this is life.” – Geneen Roth
I hereby trust my body more than I trust dieting and restriction. I choose to live, to feel, to surrender. I choose to obey the cues of my body. I choose to feel when I am hungry, to feel when I am satisfied, to feel which foods make me alive and which take energy away.
Not to think, not to track or count, but to feel.
What’s more, the happiness that I think being thin will provide—this happiness is already available now. Right here, in this moment. I can feel it. Can you?