Life isn’t always neat and tidy.
In fact, I don't know if it ever is.
Even in my most enlightened moments when I come up for air and experience profound clarity, I still feel like there’s a current of confusion, worry, angst, or doubt lurking somewhere in the corner of my being.
This feeling of worry, overwhelm, and the unknown used to lead me to binge. I would just want something to FILL the void. I wanted a REASON to feel the way I felt, to answer the big questions I had that couldn’t be answered, to snap me out of the Great Mystery in which I was unwillingly lost.
I would resist my moments of darkness. I would dispel them, run away from them, judge myself for being “dramatic” or “emotional,” and do my best to contain and control myself and get myself "back in line."
Self-policing with food was one way I’d try to snap myself back in line. And when the food police siren went off, the inner binge rebel would retaliate. Cue the ice cream.
What I’ve found is that if I’m willing to be with the darkness, to surrender to it, to take a moment and rest in the mess, to luxuriate in the spaciousness and the mystery of the wild unknown, I find treasures.
If I can be CURIOUS with my experience, the unknown feels far less scary. The void feels more like an opportunity for adventure rather than a black hole of doom that only ice cream can fix.
When I’m curious in the mess, I find things that inspire art. I find things that explain years of pain. I find things that bring me closer to my experience of Source and Oneness… That bring me closer to understanding what it means to be human.
In those moments when I most want to flee, when I most want to fuck it all and run to the fridge, I am reminded that, if I’m willing to look, I will find gifts. If I can remember to slow down, BREATHE for a second, and look into the dark with curious eyes, the gifts will be there.
Celebrating all the gifts that you have seen and not yet seen,